I've stopped writing in my journal nearly 8 months ago now. I miss the habit. I would write down every day or so, what happened, what I did, where I went, what things were said. Its nice to look back and see how much things have changed. However the last time I remember looking through my journal's, I was not very happy with my progress over the past two years. Meh

I do not like my life, I would change it if I could, however I cant. Things are how they are. Just like dating... I can not hold a relationship, even if its dating casually with a woman for more than a month. and in under two months its bound to break up. I know people say keep trying, "There are plenty of fish in the sea" Actually... the fish in the sea are becoming less and less. Ask Japan... their the highest in imports for Fish. They have a reserve of fish alone, its frozen storage, that could feed the Japan for ten years. Their getting worried that they will have to start using the reserve because the import of tuna is getting lower dramatically each year.

I do not want to look at women as fish in the sea. Because if it were true, I could just go out and get one.
Forgive me if this sounds sexist.
I wish women acted like back in the 1960's or earlier in the middle ages. Not like "oh this guy has to fit me exactly; He has to be Supporting, take care of my emotions, he has to be intelligent, and he has to know how to fuck me well before I even consider staying with him. And he has to want to make a commitment as soon as we start dating. And he has to have a stable job and house and car and money before i even date him. Oh and if he lives with family, he wont even have a chance with me."

I wish I were alive back then, because I might actually have a chance with a woman staying with me.
I'm not the smartest guy in the world, I'm not the best looking, I don't have money, and I'm stuck living with family, because this damn economy screwed me with my last job and my car got repossessed, & I lost my apartment. What else am i supposed to do? I don't want to wait till I'm old and saggy to find love, to share my life with. Although I know and understand each woman is different, and if by chance I do actually find one I can click with; that will be the day. Until then, I have learned that I like being single better. Another person in my life is too stressful. And when it comes to sex, I don't find it that pleasurable, because again... its all about the woman. I have to please her. At least that's how it was with my ex. I'm sorry, I would like some attention also... Not being left alone after I get her off and I'm stuck waiting for my pleasure. I think that's bullshit. But I have learned that that sex to me is nothing more than an act. There was no love, there was no deep feelings. It was just reach a climax and your done, and I'm left in the dark. Good night. I have a more fun time with my hands. I don't need a woman.


Anyway, I have no fucking idea what I'm supposed to be doing now, or where I'm going. I really wish I were in college working toward a degree. Maybe this fall... But that's a long time away. I guess I am stuck here at the house again... Last time it took me six months to find a job... and this job only lasted me a month. I hope it does not take me that long again.

Maybe i'll go back and work at Camp this year in AZ. That would be awesome.

On another topic, I really appreciate what Shaun has been doing for me... however despite the enthusiasm he has put toward our relationship. He has still yet to prove himself. Shekie seems to be the prize friend. Always in the loop of things, always there, always invited. And yeah I did get pissed, when i was working for Direct Tv, covered the rest of his route on Tuesday... I worked until midnight (12am) got home to work again at 6am... And when I had issues Saturday He offered me to use his van after his route was done so he could spend time with his wife. Instead of helping me. Yeah I am pissed about that.

As it is, though... I think i'm going to move on. I love Shaun to death, but maybe he does not have time for another friend in his life. I mean, I guess I am high maintenance because i'm emotional about all this shit that is happening. And on top of that, I'm not really getting anything from the bible studies anyway. I look it as a social thing, yet i dont socialize because nobody socializes with me. Shekie is attached at Shaun's hip and hates me,(it is true he has said it before) CJ never talks to me Same with Livi, and everyone else there. As for Larry & Kelly, I love them with all my heart and wish I could be friends with them. But its the same, as much as they are good people. They dont have time for me. Nobody Does. I am always welcome and accepted to Monday night's Heroes & Thursdays Awakening & Sunday Church... But the only reason I would go is to be accepted and have some sort of attention, yet I will never get.


Meh, So not much going on... trying my luck at another dating site... lol even though I said I prefer being single... Having a little fun never hurts.